It's all or nothing
by Jaina Sanri
Summary: Jaina's thoughts as she dies finished


It's All or Nothing

the song is **Rocketship **by Guster   
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
They probably read it by now. My apology. I don't even know why I wrote it. I should have just disappeared. But then again, maybe they would have searched for me. I could feel their hope of disbelief when they read it. Mom, she thought that it was another cruel joke. Or that the Vong just wanted them to believe it was from me. My dad even thought it wasn't written by me until they found the pass code.   
  
That pass code was only used by my brothers and me during our childhood. We hadn't used it in years, but I knew Jacen would remember it. He always had a knack for remembering things like that. But their denial that I would do something like this- it won't change anything. Hopefully someday they'll understand why I did this.   
  
It was the only thing I could do. I had no choice. I decided after Jag was killed that no one would be killed on my behalf anymore. Never again. Even if it meant giving up everything I had worked so hard before. Even if I have to make the ultimate sacrifice, my life should be the only one affected by my actions.   
  
_Read my apology   
Their hope of disbelief   
But no denial changes things _  
  
To tell the truth, I'm scared about what I'm about to do. It is never easy for someone to do what I'm doing. To take an enemy's life is one thing. To take an ally's is another. If I were to survive this, I think I would be facing a court marshal when I got back. But luckily I they won't get the chance to give me one.   
  
I'll be long gone by the time they even find it. In a way, I want to see what they think and what they do when they find me. I wonder if it's going to be a Jedi or a military ceremony. I wish I had the chance to do something else; to change the way my life has gone.   
  
As aunt Mara once said, "you can want all you want and you can have all you have." She was a great woman, aunt Mara. I left my lightsaber to little Ben. When he's old enough, I want him to have the piece of me left.   
  
_I am scared of the things upcoming   
And I want for the things I don't have _  
  
I was never one of them. Jacen and Anakin- they were thinkers in their own ways. They were leaders. Me- I was a pilot who was a Jedi. No matter how hard uncle Luke tried to drill it in my head that I was a Jedi who was a pilot it was always the other way around. My fighting skills were good, and I could do TK as well as use the force to aid my piloting, but I became a pilot first and foremost after the academy.   
  
I may have been a pilot, but I wasn't everyone else either. I can't stand to be one of many, and luckily I never had to. I was always singled out with my force-powers. Pilots shied away from me and ground crew was afraid of me.   
  
With the goddess ploy, I could be singled out and have a purpose for it, but when others started suffering for it- I couldn't deal. People died to save my reputation. Pilots' careers suffered and even the members of Rogue Squadron seemed to resent me. It was the deaths that caused the string to snap inside of me. The little light bulb went off over my head and I figured out how I'm going to end the suffering. I know most people wouldn't agree with my decision, but they'll be too late. By the time they find me it'll be over.   
  
_Cannot stand to be one of many   
I'm not what they are _  
  
I can't do it half way. I can do it or not. And I chose to do it. As uncle Luke says, "do or do not. There is no try."   
  
I've arrived at my destination. The graveyard of Alderaan. It's fitting isn't it- that the planet that was blown up by the enemy to break my mother's spirit is the place I give into the breaking of another enemy. I can almost see the planet amongst the asteroids. From numerous pictures I can see the water and the trees. I can almost smell the flowers.   
  
My x-wing is hurtling toward one of the asteroids that were floating near the center. I don't know why I picked that one, but it seemed right.   
  
I don't want to me martyred. I don't want to be worshiped.   
  
_It's all or nothing over there   
I am not to be martyred   
I am not to be worshipped _  
  
I did this not to be strong, but to end the suffering of others. And they are not to be blamed either. No one has driven me to do this but the enemy and me. No one told me this was the way to end the suffering. No one told me I had to sacrifice myself. I came to this decision on my own.   
  
_I did it not to be strong, strong, strong   
I implicate no others in this crime _  
  
One last time, I reached out and felt for Jacen, Mom, Dad, Uncle Luke, Aunt Mara, Ben, Tenel Ka, Zekk and Lowie. I told them goodbye through the Force. And then I opened myself up to the Force as I crashed into a piece of Alderaan.   
-----------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
